Help Wilson Win The Sexy Poll
by Aiatalay
Summary: February 22, 2009 - I vaguely remember there was some sort of internet poll going on about the sexiest doctor on television. This came of it, because I am a Crack!fic writer by trade. I feel this may be in all actuality the most realistic fic I've done.


**February 22, 2009**

**Title**: Help Wilson Win the Sexy Poll!

**Author**: aiatalay  
**Pairings**: House/Wilson  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Words**: I didn't bother to count.  
**Beta**:I had my cat look over it. I think that the screaming meows mean that it's ok.  
**Summary**: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF: The Nurses hold a sexy poll. Madness ensues.…  
**A/N:** This is a prompt that no one came up with and was inspired by the TV Guide's Sexy Poll, which you should all go vote for James Wilson in, because otherwise he might lose and I might have to kill you.

The nurses were Up to Something. House could tell as much from the way they were all whispering more than usual and giggling louder than usual and overall acting like a bunch of overcaffiniated fangirls.

Lydia, one of the higher ranking nurses at Princeton-Plainsboro, has been here for an average amount of time. She is average height, average weight, average brown hair and eyes, average in every way and would probably never have been mentioned in this story except she is the great keeper of the PPTH SEXY POLL.

The rules were simple, if you wanted to vote for who the sexiest doctor/nurse/other employee was, when you filed your peer review sheets to Lydia, include an attachment entitled "Sexual Harassment Suit Number 22 Against nominee here" If it was empty, it was a nomination, if it was full, it was a legitimate complaint.

Cuddy never suspected a thing. Well, she knew the nurses were holding a yearly sexy poll and was trying to put a stop to it, but couldn't figure out how they were gathering the data for such widespread results. Doctors, nurses, janitors, heck, even PATIENTS were participating in the poll. The only reason that all the fake sexual harassment paperwork never saw Cuddy's desk was because the two sexiest nurses (the top male and top female) would be on call to bed all of the high-ranking HR employees (like Cuddy's assistant, wink, nudge) in order to gain access to their offices and delete the claims before they were noted or processed.

Folly proof plan. Sex makes everyone stupid.

Lydia was tallying up the final contestants for this year when Doctor House came into the clinic, dark rainclouds making it known that he didn't particularly want to be here right now. He wanted to find out what the nurses found so funny, _damnit!_

Little did he know that he was currently tied for first place as THE SEXIEST DOCTOR IN PPTH with none other than one James E. Wilson.

The nurses had divided, and there was now a war going on right under the noses of Cuddy and her dreaded HR minions.

There was gonna be blood, House's blood, specifically, as Brenda handed him a file and he cut himself on it. House swore and stalked off to exam room 1. Brenda turned around.

"I'm voting for him, alright?" She told Lydia.

"You already voted, Brenda. Five times. I had to delete the other four because not even you are allowed to bend the stats, it ruins the fun of the game."

"This is not a game and you know it!"

"Suit yourself."

Wilson passed by, seemingly drifting about, and moved on.

Cuddy beelined over to ask a favor of him, in a particularly tight blouse, and two of the nearest male nurses filed "sexual harassment reports" on her. Lydia shook her head and added them to the pile, along with the reports on Cameron and Thirteen.

It made no sense that they had voted for each other, but Lydia wasn't one to judge. Their excuse was that they were just friends and trying to help each other win. Whatever.

Cuddy swept back past the clinic, pausing to check up on House, and went back into her office. Wilsondid his New Age drift away, replaced almost immediately by Thirteen. The two male nurses tried to vote again for her, but Lydia innocently smiled and put them through the paper shredder. No one cheats on her watch!

House cautiously tried to sneak out to the clinic without being seen, but Lydia went over to him and said "Blue spots!" all innocent-like.

He took the file and was back no less than two minutes later.

"Those were ink stains! _Water-soluble_ ink stains!"

It got you to finish the clinic hours, thought Lydia blandly, as she checked House out of the clinic schedule box and took the finished file and put it in the out-box.

House and Wilson were still tied the next day.

This time, the ER nurses were staging an invasion force attack. (The Oncology Nurses had almost complete control over the ER nurses. It would be funny, because Oncology has nothing to do with the ER, if the Oncology Nurses weren't evil and corrupt.) The ER Nurses had managed to convince almost every single woman who saw James Wilson from the ER waiting lounge for the past three days (a sizeable figure) to vote for James Wilson.

The Oncologist was taking the lead.

Pediatrics struck back that afternoon, what with all of the moms available to vote for House. With a little convincing from the nurse in question, perhaps more than a little bit of lying…

All of the moms who never met House voted for him, anyway.

The Diagnostician pulled even with Wilson by the end of the day, and Radiology was pissed.

They took their buddy Cardiology (angiogram favors, anyone?) aside and hush hush, James was back in the lead.

But House wasn't far behind, what with Geriatrics and Orthopaedics (the newer half of Ortho that hadn't met him) on his side.

House was pissed. All of the nurses had been laughing at him all day, and he had _no idea why._ According to Wilson, there wasn't anything attached to him anywhere, and a quick scan of the Nurse's Budget Report revealed that he was not the latest scandal this week.

He had been receiving a lot of sexual harassment complaints, but he had been making a lot of lewd comments.

Interestingly enough, Wilson had received a lot of sexual harassment claims as well, and so did Cuddy, and Cameron, and Chase…

Oh God. He had just hit the jackpot of blackmail against Cuddy. She had been searching for the PPTH Sexy Poll for almost twelve years now, but she'd been searching in Radiology because of their notoriety as the resident bookies of PPTH.

It had never occurred to anyone to look for it in the Clinic Nursing Sexual Harassment Claims report. Although, he wasn't quite sure whether or not Cuddy knew that most of the gossip in the hospital could be found in the Clinic's budget report, as earmarks and code.

He wasn't going to give this information up unless he got something good.

Wilson was going to have a field day when he found out he was tied with House as THE SEXIEST DOCTOR, though.

Wilson was sitting on House's couch when House burst in through the door.

"Look what I found!"

"What is it?"

"It's the PTTH SEXY POLL!"

"Seriously? Cuddy's been looking for this for years. Where'd you find it?"

Wilson stared at the printouts of the "sexual harassment claims" as House continued.

"Not telling. But get this: you and I are tied, see?" he pointed at the page.

Wilson laughed as he saw how many sexual harassment claims Foreman had gotten, it wasn't a lot. He scanned the pile again. They _were_ tied.

House spoke again. "So, you wanna get pizza?"

Wilson looked incredulous. "That's it? Your're not going to stuff the poll in your favor? Not that I don' already suspect you did, but most of these people have never met you in person and might therefore actually have a chance of voting for you…."

"I want to see who wins naturally. You know how the nurses have been extra giggly the past few weeks? This is why- We're tied, and there's some sort of fight going on. I want to watch."

"Figures. You once planted tomato seeds too close together to see how long it would take to have them all kill each other."

"And it was very entertaining, too, until _someone_ replanted them."

"And now I have free tomatoes every fall. Which is where the lasagna that you like comes from."

House picked up the phone and started dialing.

"Wilson, you're paying."

"I'll just have cheese."

Two hours later, House was getting yet another reason as to why Wilson was favored by half the staff. He couldn't figure out why people liked _his_ looks, but he could definitely see Wilson's appeal.

Wilson was a hawt drunk.

His face was flushed, and his hair was disheveled from having his stupid sweater vest removed when he said it was too hot. Wilson had taken it off, and House couldn't stop staring afterwards.

It wasn't fair. How come Wilson had to just lean back and hang his arm over the couch like that? The rise and fall of his chest against the leather should be illegal. It made House think of Wilson's chest in general, and that made him think of other things he'd thought he'd taken care of three months ago.

And two weeks before that. And four moths before that. And…. Maybe he'd never taken care of it but he had really though he'd got a handle on those insistent fantasies this time! Stupid Sexy Poll. Making him fantasize about his straight, male best friend.

Five minutes. That's the average time between House's blinks. He wasn't blinking much, and statistically speaking that meant that he was staring at something that interested him. He wondered what it was.

He also wondered when House's eyes had decided to get that luminous blue glow to them. He was quite sure that he was drunk now, he had successfully locked away all his fantasies about House away to the point that they only came back if he was drunk. _House's eyes are so pretty_, he thought, hypnotized by the cerulean stare.

It was almost ethereal the way they practically glowed in the dark.

Wilson was staring back! They weren't watching TV anymore, they were watching each other and House was quickly becoming aroused under the amber glow of Wilson's steady gaze. Wilson sat up, but didn't go anywhere.

House breathed, and something snapped in Wilson's head. He was very still as Wilson crawled over to House's side of the couch and cupped his hands around one of House's eyes.

"What are you doing?" House asked as Wilson leaned in.

"Trying to see of they seriously do glow in the dark." Wilson slurred.

What? Was Wilson checking to see if House's _eyes_ glowed in the _dark_?

_Wilson certainly is a funny drunk_. thought House as Wilson pulled back with a disappointed look on his face.

"Well? What did you think, that a human seriously could have bioluminescent eyes?"

"Wanted to hope so."

House groaned. Wilson was weird when he got drunk. But weird Wilson was admittedly better than depressed Wilson, so he would take what he got.

Until Wilson leaned back in and kissed him, that is.

"They're still not glowing!" Wilson whispered frustratedly against House's neck, but House stopped caring.

Wilson's lips were on his ear.

A small lick, and then-

Teeeeeeeth.

Wilson started biting House's shoulder and House's higher brain functioning shut off.

He woke up the next day in his bed in Wilson's arms. He pretended to be asleep so that he could enjoy the feeling of Wilson behind him before Wilson woke up and he would have to pass it off as a drunken escapade.

One week left till the final Poll results would be posted, and Wilson and House were still tied. All of the nurses, residents, fellows, and most of the lower ranking doctors had already cast their votes and House and Wilson were still tied.

Wilson was not, however, anywhere where House could find him.

Wilson had woken up, and freaked a little before House had "woken up" and told him that obviously they'd both been drunk.

Only House hadn't seen the oncologist since then.

Wilson sat in his office. House…. He didn't remember the night they'd had sex.

But he'd dreamed about it.

For years. And suppressed it, for years. But the one thing that always struck him in his dreams was how_happy_ he always was and that House, while never mellowing out, wasn't so miserable himself.

Wilson wanted to go hug House for some reason, but he couldn't bring himself to do it because House had said that they could both just forget about it because they had been drunk.

Wilson sighed and stared out the window.

Six days to the final SEXY POLL posting. The daily rates for everyone except House and Wilson kept changing rank but House and Wilson stayed tied at the top.

Wilson said Hi to House in the hallway and House tried to pretend that he didn't fangirlishly scream on the inside from the speck of attention.

He stalked Wilson for the rest of the day, while Nurses worked tirelessly to get people to vote for their candidate.

Five days to the final SEXY POLL posting. Lydia was working overtime to catch all of the patient "sexual harassment claims" and Brenda was on constant FileGuard (to make sure The Man didn't get wind of the POLL. Records indicated a recent security breach and that was NOT going to happen again)

Wilson watched House in the Clinic.

House watched Wilson doing his rounds.

They both instated on lying to the other and reassuring them selves that it was just a one night stand.

They wouldn't even fool fools.

The nurse's budget report that night included a new double earmark about office relationships and opportunistic infections in oncology.

Two days to the finals of the PPTH SEXY POLL and House and Wilson were still tied.

Wilson wanted to talk with House, tell him how he felt.

But he was a coward on the inside and just sort of drifted away.

Thank GOD that House is an incredibly perceptive man.

The last day of the PPTH SEXY POLL.

House and Wilson are still tied.

The nurses are incredibly tense.

Until House comes into the clinic in a deceptively chipper mood:

"I would like to file sexual harassment report number 22 on James Wilson."


End file.
